COMEDY LORD DAVID, LOW BUDGET FILMS CAN EARN $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$MILLIONS, MILLIONS AND FAME FOR THE FIRST-TIME ACTORS, GET IN ONE WHILE YOU ARE YOUNG AND CUTE.

HEY, GREAT CROWD... PEOPLE LAUGHED AT ME WHEN I SAID I WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN, WELL, THEY'RE NOT LAUGHING NOW...I.JUST GOT BACK FROM HOLLYWOOD, OPRAH LOOKED DOWN SO I ASKED HER 'WHAT'S WRONG?' SHE SAID SHE WAS JUST SO TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING LIES ABOUT WHAT SHE SAID.AND.THEN OUT OF THE BLUE SHE ASKED ME TO MARRY HER.....THEY HAVE INVENTED A NEW COMPUTER AS SMART AS A PERSON...WHENEVER IT MAKES A MISTAKE IT BLAMES ANOTHER COMPUTER....I'M ELVIS THRILLER, A FRIEND TO LOTS OF IMPORTANT PEOPLE BUT I STILL NEVER GET ANY LOVE... MY STREET NAME IS ELVIS THRILLER...... STREET.....OF COURSE... AT HIGH SCHOOL I WAS ALWAYS ACCUSED OF EAVESDROPPING, I JUST WISH THEY HAD HAD THE GUTS TO SAY IT TO MY FACE...... MY EX-WIFE WAS UPSET WHEN THE AIRLINE MADE HER GET TWO TICKETS BECAUSE OF HER SIZE, I CHEERED HER UP BY POINTING OUT SHE WOULD BE ENTITLED TO 2 MEALS....I TOLD HER SHE WASN'T FAT, JUST KIDNAP RESISTENT......... .I'VE DECIDED TO PIMP MY OLD USED CAR... SO I'M GOING TO RENT IT OUT TO HOMELESS PEOPLE FOR SEX......AND I WON'T TELL ANYONE, CAN I KEEP A SECRET? WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL I BELONGED TO A SECRET GANG CALLED THE SECRET SEVEN, WE WERE SO GOOD I NEVER FOUND OUT WHO THE OTHER 6 WERE......LAST WEEK I MET THIS GAL AND WE HAD A BEER, I ASKED HER WHAT SHE THOUGHT ABOUT SEX, SHE SAID 'THAT'S MY BUSINESS,' SO I SAID OH, A PROFESSIONAL....I MARRIED A CATHOLIC GIRL WHO SAID SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE IN SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE, IN HINDSIGHT, I SHOULD HAVE ASKED HER IF SHE BELIEVED IN IT  AFTER MARRIAGE.....SOME GUY CAME UP TO ME IN MATH CLASS AND SAID I CAN GET 20 TIMES MORE GIRLS THAN YOU CAN, I LAUGHED AT HIM AND SAID, 20 TIMES ZERO IS STILL ZERO, BOY DID I SHOW HIM..........MOST OF US GUYS WOULD SPEND OUR WHOLE LIFETIMES THINKING WE HAD NO FAULTS, IF IT WEREN'T FOR MARRIAGE............MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND HAS A STALKER, WELL TECHNICALLY, SHE'S NOT YET MY GIRLFRIEND......IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD SOME POOR COUNTRY WOULD BE GETTING  BOMBED EVERY 28 DAYS.....GOING THROUGH AIRPORT CUSTOMS I WAS ASKED IF I HAD ANY FIREARMS, APPARENTLY , 'WHAT DO YOU NEED' WAS NOT THE PROPER ANSWER..................MY EX WAS UNHAPPY NO ONE PHONED HER, SO I PUT A 'HOW'S MY DRIVING' STICKER ON HER BUMPER... VOILA............MY DR. KNEW I WAS MARRIED, SO HE ASKED IF I HAD HAD SEX IN THE LAST 30 DAYS, I SAID 'NO, YOU KNOW MY BIRTHDAY IS NOT FOR 2 MONTHS"..........ANOTHER TIME HE TOLD ME TO START RUNNING, I WAS FIT, BUT HE HAD JUST FOUND OUT I WAS SLEPPING HIS WIFE............WHAT HAPPENED JUST BEFORE THE BIG BANG? THE BIG FOREPLAY...........HOW CAN WOMEN TAKE HOT WAX PUT IT ON THEIR THIGH, RIP THE HAIRS RIGHT OUT BY THE ROOTS, AND STILL BE AFRAID OF A LITTLE BUG?........BUT, I'M REALLY GETTING TIRED OF THOSE PENIS ENLARGEMENT ADS CLOGGING UP MY EMAIL, I TOLD MY GIRLFRIENDS TO JUST STOP IT..........BEFORE I GO HOME FROM WORK I TURN OFF EVERYTHING AT WORK, WHICH IS PROBABILY WHY I LOST MY JOB AT THE HOSPITAL EMERGENCY WARD.....MY PASSWORD IS MICKEYMINNIEGOOFYPLUTO, BECAUSE IT HAS TO BE 4 CHARACTERS.....HOW CAN IT BE CONSIDERED STEALING IF THE WIFI SIGNAL IS RIGHT IN MY OWN HOUSE?............MY BUDS CALL ME GAY BECAUSE I CAN'T STAY ON THE SKATEBOARD MORE THAN 5 MINUTES, I'D LIKE TO SEE ANY ONE.OF THEM DO IN IN HIGH HEELS.....I JUST SAW A LIST OF 100 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE, IT'S STUPID THAT 'YELL FOR HELP' WASN'T ONE OF THEM.....I CHEATED ON MY BLONDE GIRLFRIEND AND SHE FINALLY FOUND OUT, WHICH HAS HER WORRIED THAT THE CHILD ISN'T HERS.......AFTER SEVERAL KARATE LESSONS I CAN NOW BREAK A BOARD WITH MY CAST.........I'M SURPRIZED NO ONE HAS COME UP WITH A CURE FOR ANAREXIA YET, IT MUST BE A PIECE OF CAKE...........I WENT TO HOLLYWOOD AND MET OPRAH LAST WEEK, I ASKED HER WHAT HER PET PEEVE WAS, SHE SAID THAT PEOPLE WERE ALWAYS MAKING UP THINGS ABOUT HER, THEN SHE ASKED ME TO MARRY HER.... HEADLINE: LUCKY MAN ALIVE AFTER BEING HIT BY A TRAIN, I'M LUCKIER, I'VE NEVER BEEN HIT BY A TRAIN....MY RECENT PHYSICAL? THE ONLY THING THE DR. FOUND ENCOURAGING WAS IT WASN'T HIS........HE TOLD ME TO START RUNNING, NOT BECAUSE IT WOULD HELP, BUT BECAUSE HE FOUND OUT I WAS SHAGGING HIS WIFE.........I MADE ME THINK ABOUT WHEN MOM FOUND MY PORN COLLECTION IN DAD'S DRAWER, TEACH HIM NOT TO LOAN ME HIS ......HOW MANY TEENAGE GIRLS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A BULB, 11... TEN TO TAKE PICTURES FOR FACEBOOK AND ONE TO CHANGE IT............2 COWS IN A FIELD, ONE SAYS MOOOO. THE OTHER SAYS, I TOLD YOU NEVER TO MENTION THAT AGAIN YOU UNEDUCATED TWIT.............THE ONLY THING BAD ABOUT MY 5 FIGURE SALARY IS THE DECIMAL POINT.....WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A COMEDIAN AND AN EXTRA LARGE PIZZA? AN EXTRA LARGE PIZZA CAN FEED A FAMILY OF FOUR............I LOST MY DOG AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE COLLAR ID...........I GOT SO SICK THE OTHER DAY 2 OF MY FRIENDS, TINA AND MARGE, THOUGHT I WOULDN'T MAKE IT AND WERE AT MY BEDSIDE CRYING, SO I SAID, "DON'T CRY FOR ME MARGE AND TINA............I NOW KNOW HOW WOMEN FEEL, I HAD SOME BREASTS TATOOED  ON MY FOREHEAD, AND NOW IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, HELLO, MY EYES ARE DOWN HERE.................TRUMP HAD AN IMPORTANT MEETING WITH HIS CABINET TODAY, AND HE ALSO SPOKE WITH HIS CLOSET AND CHAIR.........BUT SERIOUSLY, I BET SATAN GETS A LOT OF NICE LETTERS FROM DYSLEXIC KIDS AT CHRISTMAS.....MY DAD ALWAYS SAID NEVER TRUST A MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR WITH MUDDY SHOES......OR WHAT MY GRANDPA SAID BEFORE HE KICKED THE BUCKET, HOW FAR DO YOU THINK I CAN KICK THIS OLD LEAKY THING......... YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME I BOUGHT SOME EXTRA SENSITIVE CONDOMS TODAY, PUT ONE ON AND FEEL LIKE TEARS ARE COMING ON.....ONCE I WAS KIDNAPPED AND MY DUTIFUL PARENTS SPRUNG INTO ACTION AND RENTED MY ROOM..... I GOT SO HORNEY ONCE I BOUGHT A TICKET TO FLY JUST TO GET THAT VERY THOROUGH AIRPORT PATDOWN....THEY ASKED ME IF I HAD ANY FIREARMS, I GUESS, 'WHAT DO YOU NEED' WAS THE WRONG ANSWER....I ALWAYS TRY TO LEARN FROM THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS WHO HAVE TAKEN MY ADVICE.....WHEN I WAS I HIGH SCHOOL I ALMOST HAD SEX EVERY NIGHT, ALMOST ON TUESDAY, ALMOST ON WEDNESDAY.....