ALL, ALL, ALL OF THE REPUBLICIAN CANDIDATES ARE CERTAIN DEATH FOR YOU, THE 99%; VOTE DEMOCRAT WE WANT NO MORE WARS, A LIVING WAGE (TWICE TODAY'S MINIMUM), AND EQUAL MEDICINE & HOUSING & JUSTICE FOR ALL.

All of the Republicians are going to let corporations run amuck without regulation. The Dems.ended the Iraq War, are ending the Afganistan War and tried to pass Bank regulations, etc., but the Republicians always blocked the legislation. The Dems. tried to get the millionaires to pay for the middleclass tax cuts but all the Republicians blocked them. All these candidates are the same THEY WANT TO TAKE AWAY all corporate regulation, you know the Fed. regulates banks (if Dems. appoint the Fed. officers). If the Fed. is removed the banks will RUN AMUCK, charging $20 a month just to have a credit card, for example, as the Dems., and Obama, stopped last month.

 Dems. stand for reasonable bank regulation and Republicians don't, it's as simple as that, why don't average folks get it. Thats why we have to vote straight Dem. every election, every office, every election, every office! And if we have a third party we split our vote and the Republicians WIN, and another G. Bush is back in control. And for you Fox pinheads and Limbaugh dittoheads, reasonable regulation is clearly not socialism. The Dems, Obama and I believe in capitalism. Case closed!

IF IT WERE A TAX CUT FOR MILLIONAIRES AND CORPORATIONS, REPUBLICIANS WOULD HAVE PASSED IT IN A FLASH

The tax cut that Obama and the Dems.want for the middleclass Americans for just a couple of months now and then for a year, can't even get approval from the House Republicians for 2 months, if it were for the very rich though, Republicians would have passed it in a flash! Don't you see that the republicians don't ever deserve your vote, ever!  Never, never, never vote Republician.Case closed!

POST NEWS ALERT: SOCIAL SECURITY IS NOT AN ENTITLEMENT IT WAS EARNED, NO MATTER WHAT THE REPUBLICIANS/GOP (GREEDY OLD PIGS) CLAIM !

SOCIAL SECURITY WAS NEVER BETTER, IT IS NOT A PONZI SCHEME, NOR AN ENTITLEMENT, WE (YOU) EARNED IT!

OUR SOCIAL SECURITY TRUST FUND is worth almost 3 trillion dollars, and with dividends earns more than it pays out.  It will do so until 2036, and then it will pay 77% of payments due past 2200. How old will you be on these various dates?

Furthermore, it only needs about a .5% tweek to pay total payments way past 2200. How old will you be in 2200? One suggested tweek is to have millionaires pay on some of the untaxed money they earn over the 13% tax they're only paying now; BILLIONAIRE Warren Buffet says he pays lower tax rates than his secretaries AND the same with ROMNEY (WHO ONLY PAYS A LITTLE OVER 11%), and ALL THE rest of the corporate Republicians.

WE (YOU) PAID INTO SOCIAL SECURITY FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE AND ALL THE INTEREST AND PREMIUMS WERE EARNED BY YOU, US, WE EARNED IT ALL, IT IS NOT AN ENTITLEMENT, NOT AN ENTITLEMENT; AS THE CRONY REPUBLICIANS TRY TO LIE!

GREAT CROWD...HI I'M DAVID HOLLYWOOD, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WOMEN THAT'S WHY I NEVER GET ANY LOVE, MY MARRIAGE BROKE UP BECAUSE WE DISAGREED OVER CHARITIES. SHE SUPPORTED THE HOMELESS AND I SUPPORTED THE TOPLESS. WOMEN LAUGHED AT ME WHEN I SAID I WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN, WELL THERE NOT LAUGHING NOW, I JUST GOT BACK FROM HOLLYWOOD OPRAH SAID SHE WAS DOWN BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE ALWAYS SAYING SHE SAID THINGS SHE DIDN'T SAY, THEN SHE ASKED ME TO MARRY HER, THE CHINESE HAVE A NEW COMPUTER SAID TO BE AS SMART AS A HUMAN, WHEN IT SCREWS UP IT BLAMES ANOTHER COMPUTER...I HAVE A LOT OF CREDS, MY STREET NAME IS DAVID HOLLYWOOD...STREET OF COURSE, IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS ALWAYS ACCUSED OF EAVESDROPPING, NOT TO MY FACE OF COURSE....MY EX- WIFE WAS MADE AT THE AIRLINE BECAUSE SHE HAD TO BUY 2 SEATS, I SAID THAT WAY YOU'LL GET 2 MEALS, SHE WAS PISSED AT ME THEN, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WOMEN, SHE ALSO DIVORCED ME BECAUSE MY BEARD TICKLED HER STOMACH WHEN I WAS KISSING HER, EEEER, IT WAS LONGER THEN....I WAS DRIVING HERE AND A LADY POLICE OFFICER PULLED ME OVER AND RAPPED ON MY WINDOW SAYING, 'OPEN UP'...........I SAID WAIT A MINUTE CAN'T YOU SEE I'M STILL ON THE PHONE? ......SO THAT'S MY LIFE, I NEVER GET ANY LOVE...TODAY I SHOULD HAVE JUST RIDDEN WITH MY GORGEOUS LYFT DRIVER, IVANA, SHE'S A CUTE UKRANIAN LADY, IVANA PICKUPANDROPOFF ..........ANYWAY, I WAS BORN A THIRD CHILD BEFORE BIRTH CONTROL CAME ALONG.................MOTHER HAD HER MORNING SICKNESS ONLY AFTER SHE SAW ME.......I THINK SHE WANTED A GIRL, NOT LIKE THE GIRL SHE HAD, BUT LIKE THE GIRL SHE HAD ALWAYS WANTED.......MY OLDER BROTHER WAS SOMETHING ELSE, HE DIDN'T WANT TO SHARE ANYTHING, ESPECIALLY ATTENTION, SO WHEN I STARTED TO WALK HE TRIPPED ME...........MY SPOILED SISTER ADDED INSULT TO INJURY BY WRITING BAD THINGS ON MY CAST.................BORN IN HOLLYWOOD WE LIVED ON TOP OF A HILL AND MY BIG BROTHER ONCE BUILT A BIG BONFIRE .IN THE BASEMENT RIGHT UNDER MOM IN HER KITCHEN AND MY SISTER'S BEDROOM, INCIDENTLY, I SAW MOHAMMED IN THE FIRE , IN FACT, HE SAID HE WAS MOHAMMED..... WITH A BIG BEARD.. HE SAID TO TELL HIS FOLLOWERS TO "NEVER TO KILL AGAIN"THAT THEY GOT THAT MESSAGE WRONG BEFORE......AND THERE WERE 'NO 72 VIRGINS FOR KILLERS, ONLY HELL FIRES', HE CLEARLY SAID......... (JUST THOUGHT I'D GET THAT IN WHILE I'VE GOT YOU ALL HERE, THE YOUNGER LEADER OF ARABIA NOW WANTS TO GET MORE ENTERTAINMENT THERE, PERHAPS GET THEM TO LIGHTEN UP WITH MICKEY MOUSE CARTOONS AT THEIR BEHEADINGS).........SO ANYWAY BACK TO MY CRAZY BROTHER, HE KEPT MOTIONING ME INTO THE BON FIRE........(I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY NAMED THEM BONFIRES, BON MEANS GOOD, IN FRENCH)...............ANYWAY, I RUSHED UP TO SAVE MOM AND THE FIRE DEPT HAD TO COME TO SAVE THE HOUSE......................THEN HE HAD TO PLAY IN A BIG OUTDOOR LOCKED CAGE MY DAD BUILT ESPECIALLY FOR HIM....................AND TO PROTECT MOM AND HOUSE.........THEN HE AND HIS FRIENDS REALLY HARASSED ME, ONE STOLE MY FOOD FROM MY PLATE, MY BROTHER ALWAYS HIT ON ALL MY YOUNG GIRL FRIENDS, HE WAS 5 YEARS OLDER................THEN THEY ALL MOVED AWAY AND I WAS LEFT WITH GRANDMA IN L.A.................I REMEMBER SHE LIVED ON CERRA GORDO AND THERE WAS A THREE LEGGED BLACK DOG I WAS AFRAID OF............I WAS LEFT UNTIL, THAT IS, I OBSERVED A BIG BOX TO BE SHIPPED SOMEWHERE AND GOT INSIDE WITH JARS OF PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY AND A CARTON OF MILK....................SO IN FOUR DAYS WE WERE ALL HAPPILY REUNITED AGAIN, ON A SECRET HIDDEN 1000 ACRE RANCH THEY BOUGHT MANY MILES FROM LA AND ANYWHERE..........MY BROTHER THEN STOLE ALL MY TOYS AND GAVE ME PLUGGED IN APPLIANCES TO PLAY WITH IN MY BATH......................IT'S A GOOD THING I'M A GUY, OR I WOULD HAVE HAD NO TOYS TO PLAY WITH, GROWING UP...........................AT THE SWIMMING HOLE HE AND HIS BIGGER FRIENDS TRYED TO DROWN ME ......AND ALSO PANTSED ME.............TO SHOW MY ITALIAN SALAMI SHRUNKEN TO A POLISH SAUSAGE............................I LEARNED TO SWIM LIKE A FISH,..BUT THE CAT FISH STILL NIBBLED WHEN I DOVE DEEP...................THEY'RE BOTTOM FEEDERS, I FOUND OUT...........................ON MY 12TH CHRISTMAS MY BROTHER FINALLY GAVE A ME PRESENT..A USED TENT, A SLEEPING BAG, AN OLD MAP OF THE NEXT COUNTY, A DEFECTIVE COMPASS AND A RIDE MILES UP INTO A DESERTED CANYON IN HIS LATEST HOT ROD..................WHEN I FINALLY FOUND MY WAY BACK HOME, A MONTH LATER....HE CLAIMED I HAD RUN AWAY, AND HE WAS LEFT IN CHARGE OF MY DOING MY CHORES, SO I DID MINE AND HIS TOO.............LIKE SEVERAL BOSSES I HAVE HAD SINCE............. AND HE PAID ME MY ALLOWANCE IN TRAVELLERS CHECKS...................MINUS HIS CUT.........................ALWAYS AT THE BUS DEPOT........................HIS DOG WAS JEALOUS TOO, AND GROWLED AND WOULDN'T LET ME IN WHEN I CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL.............MY ANKLE WAS HER FAVORITE BONE.......................AT TIMES SHE WOULD BARK, LEAD ME TO THE FRONT DOOR AND THEN MAKE IT CLEAR SHE WANTED ME TO MAKE LIKE A TREE .....AND LEAVE.........HE TRAINED HER WELL..........I NEVER GOT ANY LOVE... I CALLED HER DAIRY QUEEN BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS LEFT CHOCALATE ICE CREAM ONLY IN MY ROOM................................MY BIG BROTHER WOULD THEN TRY TO STICK MY NOSE IN IT.......................I HAD TO LEARN PUSH UPS AT A VERY EARLY AGE.....................THE NEXT CHRISTMAS HE GAVE ME A BAT.......... BUT IT FLEW AWAY.........................HE SAID HE WAS CHEATED.... IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SICK AND RABID...................I NEVER GOT TO DISNEYLAND, MY BROTHER LIED AND SAID MICKEY MOUSE DIED.........................I LEARNED ABOUT CAIN KILLING HIS LITTLE BROTHER ABEL AT SUNDAY SCHOOL, SO ALWAYS FEARING POISON, I BEGAN TO PRAY AFTER MEALS....................I WAS SO BEAT UP BY THIS TIME THAT WHEN THEY TALKED DIVORCE, AT MY CUSTODY HEARING NOBODY SHOWED UP!................................MY SISTER PUT UP A SIGN ON THE ROAD, 'LAST BOY BEFORE THE FREEWAY, FREE'...........ONCE SHE WAS WALKING IN HER SLEEP, MY BROTHER DIRECTED HER OUTSIDE, I TRIED TO GET HER INSIDE AND SAFE, SHE ARGUED WITH ME JUST LIKE SHE ALWAYS DID WHEN AWAKE........,,,,,,,,,,YOU CAN'T.CHANGE OR HELP SOME PEOPLE I REALIZED............ONE OF HER DOLLS HAD A BASHED IN HEAD, WHO DOES THAT, I FIGURED IT WAS ONE OF MY BROTHER'S LOSER FRIENDS, SHE HAD REJECTED ...THEN I READ ABOUT PALTERGEIST A GERMAN WORD MEANING A NOISY DISTRUCTIVE SPIRIT, USUALLY FOUND AROUND PUBESCENT GIRLS, THEN I READ ABIUT HYSTERIA, WHERE FREUD CONCLUDED IT WAS AN ALMOST TOTALLY FEMALE NEURSIS...SO I WAS TOTALLY CONFUSED ABOUT THE DOLL... BIG BROTHER BLAMED ME, AS USUAL................I WAS SO BEAT UP AND GROTESQUE FROM BUG BITES FROM MY MONTH IN THE WOODS, MY DAD FED ME CHILI BEANS ONLY WITH A BLOW GUN...................AND.MOM NO LONGER KISSED ME, SHE SAID SHE FELT LIKE WE WERE MORE LIKE DEAR FRIENDS..............................ONCE I HAD A PET HORSE FLY, BUT TOO HE LEFT ME FOR A PILE OF THE DOG'S CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM..........I NEVER GOT ANY LOVE.............I WAS TAKING BIOLOGY IN HIGH SCHOOL AND WHEN MY BROTHER WAS PUSHING ME TOWARDS A BROWN PILE ONE DAY, I REALLY COULD HEAR THE FLIES TALKING, LIKE TOURISTS IN THEIR SQUEAKY VOICES: ONE RUBBED HIS HIND LEGS TOGETHER AND A BURP CAME OUT.....................THE OTHERS THEN SAID HEY, SHOW SOME CLASS BIFF, WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A SIT DOWN DINNER HERE........................HE RESPONDED, 'HEY, DON'T JUMP ON ME I SAW TODD EATING PEOPLE FOOD'...............................'OHHH, GROSS,' THEY SAID AND ALL FLEW AWAY SAYING, 'TODD, SATURDAY NITE IS SO TOTALLY OFF'................... I REALIZED I'M NOT SO DIFFERENT FROM OTHER ANIMALS WHO CAN BE WAY COOLER THAN MY BROTHER AND HIS FRIENDS....................SO THEN I BECAME COOLER, DYED MY HAIR BLACK AND DANCED TO ELVIS AND HUNG WITH ONLY THE BEST LOOKING GIRLS IN SCHOOL, RODEO QUEENS AND MISS CALIFORNIA CONTESTANTS.....................I STAYED AWAY FROM HIM AND MY FACE HEALED AND I BECAMEL.A. COOL DUDE AROUND SCHOOL...................THEY CALLED ME HOLLYWOOD................I GOT ON THE FOOTBALL AND TRACK TEAMS, PRESIDENT OF THE DANCE CLUB, HALL GUARD, I WORKED OUT, DRESSED NICE...................I BECAME A STUDENT OF NATURE AND STARTED COLLEGE PREP COURSES, STOPPED SHOOTING EVERYTHING THAT MOVED, LIKE HE DID.......LIVING THINGS ARE SO MUCH PRETTIER AND INTERESTING..........................I STARTED READING EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE , NO LIBRARY.IN THE WOODS.............THE WOODS BECAME A LIVE THEATRE TO THE NEW ME..........I READ THE BOYSCOUT MANUAL FROM COVER TO COVER AND A SMALL ENCLYCOPEDIA...................MY GIRLFRIENDS WERE WAY ABOVE HIS PAYGRADE, SO HE WENT AFTER GIRLS IMPRESSED BY ALL THE CARS HE WOULD DRIVE AWHILE AND WRECK, WE HAD A PILE OF HIS WRECKS IN ONE PART OF THE RANCH.....................HE GOT GALS BECAUSE OF HIS POSSESSIONS, HIS CAR, LATER OTHER THINGS.....I GOT THEM BECAUSE OF MY POISE, CHARM AND COOL...................... I NOTICED THE TROUT IN OUR CREEKS AND THEIR COUSINS THE STEELHEAD IN OUR RIVERS AND THEN THEIR SALMON COUSINS BORN IN THE CREEKS , SWAM DOWN THE RIVERS TO THE OCEAN THEN SWAM UP THE RIVERS TO THE CREEKS TO START THE WHOLE THING ALL OVER AGAIN, EVOLUTION RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES...................... MY BROTHER SAID IT WAS JUST INTERSPECIES CHANGE, BUT THEN THE FISH CALLED TADPOLES, THEIR TAILS SHORTENED AND TINY ARMS AND LEGS STARTED GROWING THEN SHORTER TAILS AND LARGER LIMBS, THEN NO TAIL AND BIG ARMS AND HUGE LEGS, THEY WERE BULLFROGS THE COUSINS OF TAILESS TOADS, OBVIOUSLY DISTANT COUSINS OF APES AND MAN...........................SPEAKING OF SEA CREATURES, WHAT DO BRITISH SEA MONSTERS EAT? FISH AND SHIPS ,OF COURSE................ONE DAY I HEARD A KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND THEIR WAS MY DISTANT COUSIN A SNAIL, SO I PICKED HIM UP AND THREW HIM OVER A NEARBY BUSH SO HE WOULDN'T GET STEPPED ON...A YEAR LATER A KNOCK AND THERE HE WAS AGAIN, MAD SAYING " WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?'.................... SCIENCE IS FUN, DO YOU KNOW HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A CUTE CHROMESOME? YOU JUST PULL DOWN HER GENES...............................SO MY BROTHER SAID IT WAS ONLY A THEORY, I POINTED OUT OUT IN SCIENCE A THEORY IS CONSIDERED A FACT...........THAT THESE FISH WERE DIFFERENT SPECIES COULD NO LONGER MATE, HE SAID DO YOU MEAN SCREW? BY THEN I KNEW THAT SCIENCE HAD PROVED EVOLUTION THAT DRUGS WERE GOING OBSOLETE BECAUSE MICROBS WERE EVOLVING SO FAST THAT OUR DRUGS DIDN'T KILL THEM ANYMORE, THAT WE ALL EVOLVED FROM EARLY LIFE OF 3.7 BILLION YEARS AGO ON EARTH..................THEY REALLY WANTED TO GET RID OF ME, I WAS TOO EVOLVED INTELLICTUALLY FOR THEM ALL..................BY MY JUST KNOWING THE FACTS, MA'AM...........I GOT DEPRESSED I WENT TO THE LIBRARY TO CHECK OUT A BOOK ON SUICIDE, SMALL TOWN LIFE WAS SO BORING TO ME.............THEY SAID THESE COULDN'T BE CHECKED OUT BECAUSE THEY WERE NEVER EVER RETURNED...............................SO ON THAT LONELY CHRISTMAS EVE , I WENT ALL ALONE TO THE ONLY CHINESE RESTAURANT IN OUR LITTLE TOWN. THEY SAID THEY COULD NOT SERVE ME EITHER BECAUSE THEY WERE A FAMILY RESTAURANT ...................AND ANYWAY THEIR MENU SPECIALS WERE ONLY FOR TWO OR MORE PERSONS..........................SO I WENT TO OUR ONLY 24 HOUR PLACE AND THEY WERE CLOSING UP, I SAID HOW COME, YOUR SIGN SAYS 24 HOURS? HE SAID SOMEWHAT INDIGNANTLY, NOT IN ONE DAY..............................A VERY VERY SMALL TOWN.....................

I HAD AN UNCLE WHO BUILT A CABIN NEARBY, ACTUALLY A MILE AWAY,..................HE WAS A WWII KARATE EXPERT AND TAUGHT ME SOME, HE SAID YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL, ONCE WHEN HE SALUTED HE GAVE HIMSELF A CONCUSSION ..............THAT'S WHAT HE SAID, I TAKE THAT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT AND 2 ASPIRIN FOR THE HEADACHE.................HE ALSO SAID WHEN HE WENT TO THE SAME PLACE FOR HIS 50TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, HE WAS THE ONE CRYING IN THE BATHROOM ALL NIGHT....................HE ASKED ME ONCE WHAT WAS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A G-SPOTAND A GOLF BALL, HELL, I DIDN'T KNOW, HE SAID A REGULAR GUY WILL LOOK LONG AND HARD FOR A GOLF BALL BECAUSE THEY'RE VERY EXPENSIVE...........HE ALSO SAID I LOOKED LIKE SOMETHING THE DOG HAD BURIED AND WANTED TO FORGET, THAT WAS JUST AFTER MY BROTHER LEFT ME IN THE WOODS................NEXT,.MY BROTHER THEN ARRANGED TO HAVE SOME OF HIS CRAZY, LOSER BUDDIES TO LURE ME OFF [WE HAD SOME CRAZYS LIVING IN THE DEEP WOODS UP THERE, ONE THOUGHT HE WAS A CHICKEN, I ASKED WHY HIS FAMILY DIDN'T GET HIM THEARPY, THEY SAID: 'FRANKLY WE NEED THE EGGS',]..................................... AND, SO, MY BROTHER'S FRIENDS SENT MY DAD A NOTE DEMANDING $50 FOR MY RETURN, THEY SENT HIM A TIP OF MY LITTLE FINGER [ACTUALLY MY FINGERNAIL CLIPPINGS].................. THEY WANTED A NEW QUAD CARB, ALL THE RAGE THEN, FOR A HOTROD..................... HE WANTED MORE PROOF AND BEING A BIG SMOKER, HE PUT MY PICTURE ON A LUCKY STRIKES CIGARETTE PACKAGE. WELL, ACTUALLY JUST THE PACK IN HIS SHIRT POCKET....................FINALLY THEY SENT A LETTER HE COULDN'T IGNORE, SAYING IF HE DID NOT PAY HE WOULD DEFINATELY, DEFINATELY, SEE ME AGAIN VERY, VERY SOON, SO HE FOLDED..............................THESE LOSERS PRETTY MUCH RAN OUR LITTLE TOWN, LATER BECOMING MASONS, WITH THE ONE STOPLIGHT  OUR LITTLE TOWN WAS AT THEIR MERCY IF THEY SCREWED IT UP................... WITH THEIR SECRET LANGUAGE, THEY WERE CONFUSING AND  IMMUNE FROM THE COURTS.............. AND IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE SIDE STREETS, YOU COULD BE TIED UP FOR HOURS................................TO HANDLE MY BROTHER AND HIS FRIENDS I GOT STRONGER WITH PUSHUPS AND LEARNED HOW TO BOX.............I GOT ON THE FOOTBALL AND TRACK TEAMS..........I GOT A SCHOOL LETTER WHEN HE HADN'T............HIS JEALOUSY WAS UNBRIDLED, PLUS  HE HAD GRADUATED SO AS SMALL TOWN CUSTOM HE ALSO HAD TO GET A BRIDE...............I REMEMBER ALL OUR LIVES HE WAS CRAZY ABOUT CARS..CARS..SO THAT'S PROBABILY WHY HE TURNED OUT TO BE SUCH A BIG CRANK.................I SAVED UP, GOT MY OWN USED BIKE, AND FINALLY A GIRLFRIEND, SHE TOOK IT FOR A SPIN AND I HAVEN'T SEEN A EITHER OF THEM SINCE...........AND THE TOWN IS VERY SMALL.....................I MISSED DANCING CHEEK TO CHEEK, HER STUBBLE AGAINST MINE..........THERE WAS NO LOVE AT A TOUGH BLUECOLLAR SCHOOL IN THE BOONIES, A NEW TEACHER ASKED A BULLY  TO EXPLAIN THE THEORY OF GRAVITY, HE THREW HER OUT THE WINDOW..........................................SO, ONE DAY I WAS PLAYING CHESS WITH MY ONLY FRIEND CARL AND I SAID 'LET'S MAKE THIS GAME REALLY, REALLY INTERESTING, SO LIKE BOBBY FISCHER, WE TOTALLY QUIT PLAYING CHESS, FOREVER............AN EVENTUALLY, I TOOK THAT BUS AWAY TO THE NAVY TO BECOME HONOR MAN AT MY AVIATION ELECTRONICS SCHOOLS AND WENT TO HAWAII AND MIDWAY ISLANDS TO FLY EARLYWARNING SPY PLANES AGAINST THE RUSSIANS, CHINESE AND KOREANS...................ALSO BEING A LIFEGUARD AND CAPTAIN OF OUR SWIMMING TEAM.......................I NEVER GOT ANY REAL LOVE AT HOME, EVEN MY YOYO REJECTED ME, IT NEVER CAME BACK UP, AND MY UNCLES' YOYO NEVER CAME BACK UP, EITHER.......................IN THE NAVY LATER, STATIONED IN HAWAII I FINALLY GOT AN OLDER FIANCE WHO SAID SHE LOVED ME FOREVER, WHEN I GOT A NEWER CAR SHE TOOK A SPIN AROUND THE BLOCK AND SHE HASN'T BEEN SEENAGAIN.........................AND HAWAII'S NOT THAT BIG AN ISLAND ........................WELL, SHE WAS KIND OF FAT IONCE PICKED HER UP ON A CORNER AND A POLICEMAN HAD GIVEN HER A TICKET FOR REFUSING TO BREAK IT UP....................AND I DON'T MISS GOING DOWN TO THE PIER AND HAVING ALL THE FISHERMEN ASKING WHAT KIND OF LURE I USED ON HER, THAT'S FOR SURE.................ONE ALWAYS INSISTED HER HAD COUGHT ONE BEFORE AND IT WASN'T BAD EATING.............SHE SAID SHE USED TO FLY EVERWHERE AS  A TWA STEWARDESS ASKING, 'WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TWA TEA?'..................THEY SAID SHE'D SEEN MORE CEILINGS IN ROME THAN MICHELANGLO..........................THAT REMINDS ME, EVEN THE OLD DINASAURS HAD THE SAME DNA AS US, WONDER WHAT THEY CALLED A PLAYBOY DINASAUR? A LICK-A-LOTTA-PUS?....................THE NAVY WASN'T ALL BAD, I BECAME AN ELECTRONICS EXPERT, LIFEGUARD, BOAT SAILOR, PISTOL SHOOTER, SURFER, SCUBA DIVER, ETC., ETC.........SO, WHAT'S LONG AND HARD AND FULL OF SEAMEN?..................A SUBMARINE OF COURSE, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING/..............WHERE ARE THE HEADLIGHTS ON A SUBMARINE? IN THE HEAD OF COURSE...................................YEAH, I MISSED HER, SHE WASN'T A RAVING BEAUTY, WELL, SOMETIMES SHE RAVED IF I WAS LATE FEEDING HER.............AND SHE WOULD SCREAM DURING SEX, ESPECIALLY IF I WALKED IN ON HER.......................MY RELIGION WAS NOW THE UNIVERSAL UNITERIAN CHURCH, EVERYONE GETS TO GO TO HEAVEN AND GOD IS WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IN..........FOR ME NATURE AND SCIENCE OF COURSE..............AND A LOVING WIFE, IF I EVER FOUND ONE................[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[YES, SOME JOKES SEEM OLD, BUT HUMOR IS FULL OF SIMILIARITIES, AND YOU HAVE TO TREAT IT LIKE AN OLD FAVORITE SONG MEDLEY, THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO EVER TOTALLY DISAPPEAR, LIKE AN OLD FASHIONED JUKEBOX YOU FIND NEAR AN OLD LAKE YOU NEVER VISITED BEFORE]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]   NOW COULD YOU PLEASE TURN DOWN THE VOLUME ON YOUR HOT AIR GUITAR, THANKS, FOR UNDERSTANDING.....................YES IT'S TOUGH FOR ME, I CAN'T EVEN GET PITY SEX FROM PAID HOOKERS, NOW................... QUESTION: IF GRASS COULD CRY WOULD YOU STILL MMOW IT DOWN?..................WHAT IF IT CRIED ALL THE BLOODY TIME, EVEN AT NITE..NEW MOMS CAN IDENTIFY WITH THAT............AH YES, I COULD HAVE WRITTEN A WHOLE ROMANTIC STORY ABOUT HER, BUT SOMEBODY BEAT ME TO IT, "THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES".........................YOU READ IT?.............AW, TOO BUSY SHOOTING THINGS, YOUR LOSS..............I'M OLDER NOW BUT I REALLY DO FEEL JUST LIKE A THIRTY YEAR OLD, BUT I DON'T SEE ANY TONIGHT SO I'LL SETTLE FOR A FRISKY 50 YEAR OLD...................  DOES ANY SWEET LADY WANT TO EXCHANGE A SWEET HUG  WITH A FELLOW WHO NEVER GOT ANY LOVE?...............NO TAKERS...............I NEVER GET ANY LOVE...........YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE, KEEP SMILING I'M DR. HOLLYWOOD AND THANKS FOR NOTHIGN................................OH, YOU YOU DUDES, MY STREET NAME IS DR. HOLLYWOOD LANE...............OR IF YOU DON'T GET THAT...................DR HOLLYWOOD STREET OR JUST DR. HOLLYWOOD ST. PERIOD..........OKAAAY, DENN WE GOOD?

WHAT A GREAT CROWD, HI, I'M DR. HOLLYWOOD, I GOT MARRIED SINCE LAST TIME.... I STILL SAY COMEDY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL YOUNGER AND ON VACATION,............ON THE WAY OVER HERE, I HEARD ON THE RADIO THAT CAR RENTAL COMPANIES WERE CUTTING THEIR TIES WITH THE NRA, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE WITH THEM FOR ANYWAY,I COULDN'T RENT A CAR UNTIL I WAS 21............... AND MENTALLY COMPETENT TO PASS A DRIVING TEST................... IT WAS TOUGH, NOT AT ALL EASY BREEZY, LIKE GETTING THE RIGHT TO CARRY A CONCEALED MACHINE GUN IN TEXAS.....................AND BEWARE LICENSES, INSURANCE, TRAFFIC SIGNS AND SPEED LIMITS WERE THE FIRST STEP TO TOTAL CONFISCATION OF OUR CARS? ................................OH WAIT, EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST 3 CARS IN AMERICA.................THE HOOKERS IN VEGAS REALLY MISS UBERS WITH DRIVERS, THEY USED TO BE ABLE TO WORK OFF THEIR FARES...................... LIKE MY RUBENESQUE SLIGHTLY FAT NEW WIFE WHEN WE WENT TO THE PIER AFTER SHE HAD ONE OF HER SLIGHTLY EXCESSIVE DINNERS............THE FISHERMEN WHISPERED QUESTIONS, WHAT KIND OF LURE DID I USE............................ HAD I CAUGHT ONE BEFORE................... IF I THREW A STICK WOULD SHE FETCH?............................... HER DOG GROWLS WHEN I COME INTO MY OWN HOUSE........................I GOT HIM TRAINED ON A NEWSPAPER, NOW HE PUTS A CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM RIGHT ON MY NEWLY DELIVERED LA TIMES......................I GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE AND HE NUGES THE DOOR CLOSED ON ME...........................WITH ALL THE CHOLATE ICE CREAM PILES AND HIS SNIFFING OTHER MALE DOGS BEHINDS,WHILE HIS NAME IS PRINCE, I CALL HIM "DAIRY QUEEN"............... ..SPEAKING OF PRINCE, I GET A KICK OUT OF INTERNET EUROPEAN ROYALTY PICTURES, THEY COULD BE WEARING JUST A PLAIN BLUE SUIT BUT THEY HAVE TO HAVE THESE HUGE MEDALS HANGING DOWN BELOW THE POCKET HOLE............... WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?........................WHO DOES THAT?..........................WHAT OLYMPICS DID THEY WIN OR WAS IT A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE? .................DON'T THEY THINK THIS IS OVERDOING IT..................................................YOU KNOW THEY NEVER WORKED A DAY IN THEIR LIVES.............. EVEN IF THEY HAD REALLY EARNED A REAL MEDAL, WHICH IS QUESTIONABLE, YOU DON'T GO AROUND WEARING YOUR MEDALS ON A PLAIN SUIT, IT'S DE'CLASSE.................. IT'S STRICTLY FOR A MILITARY UNIFORM................ THAT 4 HOUR WARNING ABOUT VIAGRA IS JUST ADVERTIZING BULLSHIT, BY THE WAY...................... THE NAVY GAVE ME MANY MEDALS, I DON'T WEAR THEM ON MY SUITS, MAYBE A SLIGHTLY ARROGANT PIN IN THE LAPEL.......................................AS FOR MY GOOD CONDUCT MEDALS, MY WIFE'S WAS HARDER TO EARN THAN THE NAVY'S.............................I STILL DON'T GET ANY LOVE..............................AND ROYALS ARE NOT REALLY LEGENDS EXCEPT IN THEIR OWN MINDS ..........................IF ANYTHING ROYALS MUST BE GENETICALLY INFERIOR FROM ALL THOSE YEARS OF INTERBREEDING......................THOSE WHO DON'T TURN OUT GOOD, THEY LOCK AWAY, OR THEY MAY GET AWAY, LIKE OUR LAST KING, GEORGE..............AND NOW TRUMP.....................SCIENCE PONTS OUT MATING DIFFERENT GROUPS MAKES A MORE HEALTHY OFFSPRING, IT'S CALLED "HYBRID VIGOR"..................MY WIFE CAME HOME WITH A MEDAL LAST NITE AND A HAND FULL OF CASH, TO PAY MY TRAILER'S RENT AT THE TRAILER PARK, I HOPE......................................SO WHAT'S THE MEDAL DEAL, MY MALE CONCLUSION TO HELP THEM GET LAID ........................................ESPECIALLY THE YOUNG GUYS WITH THE BRIGHT RED UNIFORM WITH GOLD CORDS AND HUGE MEDALS, ALL WRAPPED UP IN A PUSSY TITILATING, PURPLE SASH, YEAH .....................LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON DID TO WOW THE 10 YEAR OLDS,SOME WOMEN ARE SUCKERS FOR PRETTY GIFT WRAPPING..............ANYWAY, IT'S IN OUR US CONSTITUTION, WE DON'T HAVE ROYAL TITLES, SO DON'T PLAY ALONG WITH THIS CRAP, WE ARE CITIZENS NOT SUBJECTS ............... AT LEAST SO FAR IF THE RICH REPUBLICANS REPLACE OUR DEMOCRACY WITH AN OLIGARCY..........................BUT, WITH SOME WOMEN, IT'S LIKE DRIVING A RED CAR.................I USED TO HAVE A RED PORSCHE, IT HELPED OUT WITH THE BABES...................BUT ON THE HIGHWAYS, WATCH OUT, YUCK, WERE THE COPS EVER JEALOUS, DRIVING A RED CAR IS LIKE BEING A 12 POINT BUCK, IN HUNTING SEASON.....................BUT ME.EVEN BEING MARRIED NOW....................... I JUST NEVER GET ANY REAL LOVE WITHOUT PAY, GOING TO HAVE TO GET OUT THE OLD MEDALS, AND A RED CAR I GUESS.......WITH MY LUCK WITH WOMEN I'M ABOUT THE SAME AS A COUPLE OF VERY, VERY BIG STARS ....RICHARD SIMMONS ...............AND TIGER WOODS............................NOW TAKE MY UNFAITHFUL WIFE, PLEASE....................BOY, SHE SCREAMS WHEN SHE HAS SEX, AT LEAST WHEN I ACCIDENTLY WALK IN ON HER..............IN 20/20 HINDSIGHT, I NEVER GOT ANY REAL LOVE IN MY LIFE, NEVER ............I GUESS THAT'S WHY OUR KIDS ARE GOOD LOOKING AND DON'T LOOK LIKE ME YOU KNOW, KINDA DOWN AND OUT LOOKING LIKE WOODY ALLEN ..............MY SON IS GETTING TO BE THE REAL SMART-ALEC, ONCE I SAID SOMEDAY HE'D UNDERSTAND WHEN HE HAD KIDS OF HIS OWN,... HE SAID YOU TO YEAH,... SOMEDAYYY AND LAUGHED............................I GET NO LOVE ANYWHERE...........I WAS IN A HOTEL ROOM LAST WEEK THOUGH, AND TWO CUTE LADIES WERE KNOCKING AT MY DOOR ALL NITE, IT GOT SO BAD I FINALLY HAD TO LET THEM BOTH OUT............................MY KIDS CAN WORK COMPUTERS, BUT KIDS ARE STILL VERY VERY DUMB IN MANY, MANY WAYS, YES, THEY WILL CHOOSE CEREAL AT THE MARKET JUST LIKE A GROWN MAN WILL CHOOSE LINGEREE, JUST THINKING SOLELY ABOUT THE PRIZE THAT'S GOING TO BE INSIDE.....................................MY WIFE AND I WERE HAPPY FOR ABOUT 20 YEARS AND THEN WE MET............................GUYS, WHEN DID YOU FIRST LEARN THAT A WOMAN ROLLING HER EYES IS SAYING "HE'S AN ASS"? .............................THEY STILL THINK WE DON'T SEE IT, I CAN TELL IT OVER THE PHONE NOW BY THE SHIFT IN THE VOICE.......................I LEARNED IT FIRST THE HARD WAY WHEN I WAS ASKING MY NEW WIFE AFTER YOU KNOW WHAT, IF IT WAS GOOD FOR HER....................NOW,.I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HER IN 2 YEARS, I 'M AFRAID TO INTERRUPT.........................THAT'S WHY I HAVE A GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL **************.........[[[[[[[[[[...........YES,.THIS IS A KIND OF A SURREPTITIOUS JOKE REVIVIAL, IF YOU SAY SO, YOU DON'T WANT YOUR FAVORITES TO DIE FOREVER, DO YOU? .......IT CAN BE RATHER SUBLIMELY, POIGNENT, D'EJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN YOU KNOW, IF YOU'LL LET IT. JUST LIKE A NEW VERSION OF A GREAT SONG ]]]]]]]]]]]]**************.........YEAH, I NEVER GET ANY LOVE.............I TOLD HER I WAS SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST; SHE SAID SHE WAS SEEING 7 DOCTORS, 2 FIREMEN AN OUR BUTCHER........................ I CAME HOME FROM WORK EARLY AND SAW A NUDE JOGGER GOING BY, I SAID WHAT GIVES, WHY THE NEIGHBORHOOD NUDE JOGGING IT HURTS MY PROPERTY VALUES, HE SAID, IT'S BECAUSE YOU CAME HOME EARLY.....................HE WAS REAL APOLOGETIC, I'LL GIVE HIM THAT.......... IT'S GOT SO, I HAVE TO PAY FOR ANY LOVE I GET....IT WAS OUR 13TH ANNIVERSARY, JASMINE OR JADE, SO I BOUGHT THEM BOTH HOME FROM MY CLUB TO LAP DANCE FOR HER, TOO................................ARE YOU WATCHING THIS ON TV OR LISTENING ON RADIO NOW SWEETHEART? "ALEXIA, TURN OFF THE LIGHTS AND PLAY SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC," SEE, I CAN BE A SENSITIVE GUY TOO JUST LIKE YOUR CURRENT TOWTRUCK DRIVER BOYFRIEND........... SHE ALMOST CUT ME OFF TOTALLY LAST MONTH, I WAS LUCKY, SHE WAS SO MAD SHE DID CUT OFF 3 DOCTORS...............MY WIFE IS GREAT IN ONE WAY, UNLIKE A LOT OF WOMEN, SHE LIKES SOFT INTIMATE TALK DURING SEX, LAST WEEK SHE CALLED ME ALL THE WAY FROM A PARIS HOTEL..............................SHE MET ME THE OTHER EVENING IN A SEXY NEGLIGEE, SADLY, SHE WAS THE ONE JUST COMING HOME.............SHE HAS BEEN PICKED UP SO MANY TIMES SHE HAS GROWN SKIN HANDLES..................... TWIN ASTRAUNATS, ONE IN SPACE FOR 342 DAYS COMES BACK HIS DNA IS 7% CHANGED FROM HIS TWIN, THAT'S A KEY TO EVOLUTION'S CAUSE, OUTER SPACE RAYS THAT HIT THE BODY ONCE IN A WHILE AND CAUSE US TO MUTATE..............LIKE LADIES SKIN HANDLES.............BUT I DON'T FIGHT THE EVOLUTION ARGUMENTS ANYMORE, THE TV CHURCHS ARE TO STRONG.... SO I'M JUST A UNITARIAN WE CAN BELIEVE IN ANY GOD AND ALL GO TO HEAVEN. .....THERE ARE NO SINS AND WE FOLLOW ONLY 4 OF THE COMMMANDMENTS.....................GODS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE WITH GODS KILL PEOPLE...........>>>>>>"AMOS : WHAT DOES THE POPE EAT ON GOOD FRIDAY." "HOLY MACKERAL DER ANDY".....................I AM SO IN NEED OF ROMANCE THAT, WELL, I'M NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST BIT GAY YOU UNDERSTAND, BUT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHERE TIMES BEING SO TOUGH LIKE IN PRISON, WITH HAVEING SEX EVEN WITH A MAN BUT ONLY FOR A COOL MILLION DOLLARS, WOULDN'T YOU? ....(POINT),... BUT I WON'T PAY YOU 1 CENT OVER A MILLION..............HOW ABOUT YOU TOO DARLING, DOES A COOL MILLION DOLLARS SOUND INTERESTING, WELL GUY OVER THERE, THE DATE IS OFF...............(PHONE CALL) OH, NO, MY WIFE WAS LAST SEEN IN A TOW TRUCK TOWING MY MOTOR HOME TOWARDS AN ARMY BASE,........ AND HASN'T BEEN SEEN SINCE....................... SEE WHAT I MEAN, I NEVER EVER GET ANY LOVE, ..............MY WIFE IS JUST LIKE FEDERAL EXPRESS IF SHE GOES ON A DATE SHE SIMPLY HAS TO BE THERE OVERNITE....................SAY,.DOES ANY, ANY CUTE LADY HERE WANT TO GIVE A POOR STANDUP, WHO DOESN'T GET ANY LOVE, BUT MAY BE A BIG STAR IN HOLLYWOOD....... A HUG .....................NOTHING?............SO, THAT'S IT FOLKS, YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT CROWD,... THANKS FOR NOTHING ....................I'M DR.FUNK OR DUDES YOU CAN JUST CALL ME BY MY STREET NAME, DR FUNK AVE. OR DR FUNK STREET, IF YOU DIDN'T GET AVE............OR JUST DR FUNK S...T..PERIOD ......... OKAY DENNN..WE GOOOD?.........

REPUBLICIANS REPRESENT WAR MATERIAL CORPORATIONS

The Republicians are the cronies of the rich and corporations in Washington. They like wars that their war material corporate clients can make money on  (like 2 wars not just one, remember?). Democrats represent the middle class working folks and want to create educational opportunities and good paying peacetime jobs with a living wage, right here in the USA, for middle class americans. Republicians send jobs overseas to China and India, etc. Republician corporations who use cheap Chinese labor teach those Chinese how to make missles and war material in their corporate Chinese factories. Our laws should make taxes higher for these corporations, and take away their right to give money to Republician candidates in America like the republician Supreme court 5 deemed as the law. For all these reasons, always vote straight Democratic, today's Republicians are not your father's Republicians!

WHAT A GREAT CROWD, HI, I'M DR. FUNK, YOU KNOW COMEDY'S LIKE AN INSTANT VACATION AND LAUGHING MAKES YOU LOOK AND FEEL YOUNGER............. I WAS DRIVING HERE AND A POLICE OFFICER PULLED ME OVER AND RAPPED ON MY WINDOW,"OPEN UP BOY "... I SAID," IN A MINUTE CAN'T YOU SEE I'M STILL ON THE PHONE?".................... BOY DID HE TURN OUT TO BE RUDE........ WHAT DOGPATCH TURNIP TRUCK DID HE THINK I JUST FELL OFF OF?.............HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED IT TO, I THINK IT WAS ALL STARTED IN TRUMP'S ERA, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE IN THE DEEP SOUTH AND HAVE CALIFORNIA PLATES AND ARE BLACK OR CHICANO, OF COURSE ................SO THAT'S MY LIFE, I NEVER HAD ANY REAL LOVE.....WHEN I WAS BORN I WASN'T WANTED, MY MOTHER HAD HER MORNING SICKNESS RIGHT AFTER SHE SAW ME............MY OLDER BROTHER DIDN'T WANT TO SHARE ATTENTION, SO HE TRIED EVERYTHING TO DO ME IN. WHEN I TRIED MY FIRST STEPS HE TRIPPED ME..........AND MY SISTER WOULD ADD INSULT TO INJURY BY SIGNING BAD THINGS ON MY CAST................... SHE WAS ALSO MAD AT OUR DOG PUDGIE FOR GETTING MOM'S ATTENTION MORE THAN HER, SO SHE WOULD STEAL HER FOOD..............I WAS BORN IN HOLLYWOOD AND WE LIVED ON TOP A BIG HILL, I REMEMBER ONCE MY OLDER BROTHER BUILDING A BONFIRE IN THE BASEMENT AND I SAW TWO BEARDED FACES IN IT SAYING "KILLING IS BAD", THEY SAID THEY WERE MOHAMMED AND JESUS AND MOHAMMED SAID HIS FOLLOWERS GOT IT WRONG, YOU SHALT NOT KILL, HE SAID..............................WHEN I SHOUTED AT MY BROTHER HE SMILED AND MOTIONED ME INTO THE FIRE.................. I WENT UP TO TELL MOM, AND THE FIRE DEPT. CAME PUT IT OUT............THEN HE PLAYED IN A LOCKED CAGE, AND HE AND HIS FRIENDS HAD IT IN FOR ME, ONE STOLE MY FOOD FROM MY PLATE................THEN WE MOVED TO A 1000 ACRE RANCH 8 MILES OUT OF A SMALL TOWN ON HIGHWAY 101 IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA......I GOT LEFT WITH GRANDMA, BUT I SPOTTED A BIG BOX BEING SHIPPED, MARKED GUNS AND HID INSIDE AND JOINED THEM...............AT THE OLD SWIMMING HOLE MY BROTHER AND HIS CHUMPS PANTSED ME, SO I HAD TO STAY IN THE WATER OR BE NUDE IN FRONT OF GIRLS..............TO GET AWAY I LEARNED TO SWIM LIKE A FISH FROM THE BOYSCOUT MANUAL...................IT LEAD ME TO BECOME A NAVY LIFEGUARD AND SWIMMING TEAM CAPTAIN...............BUT I GOT NO LOVE AT HOME............ON CHRISTMAS MY FATHER GAVE ME A TENT, A SLEEPING BAG, A MAP OF THE NEXT COUNTY AND A DEFECTIVE COMPASS............................SO I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO READ THE STARS TO GET HOME.............................I LEARNED FOOTWORK AT THE SCHOOL DANCE CLUB, BECAME IT'S PRESIDENT, TO HANDLE MY BROTHER'S TRIPPING ............BACK WHEN I WAS LITTLE, THE TOYS HE GAVE ME FOR MY BATH WERE ALL PLUGGED IN APPLIANCES.................SO I LEARNED ELECTRONICS.AND I LATER BECAME HONOR MAN IN MY NAVY ELECTRONICS SCHOOL .............THE DOG WAS JEALOUS OF ME TOO, GROWLED AND WOULDN'T LET ME IN WHEN I CAME HOME ...........HER FAVORITE BONE WAS MY ANKLE..........SHE .WOULD KEEP BARKING AT THE FRONT DOOR, AND LEAD ME THERE ,THERE WAS NO ONE, SHE JUST WANTED ME TO MAKE LIKE A TREE AND..... LEAVE.........................I CALLED HER DAIRY QUEEN, BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS LEFT A CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM ONLY IN MY ROOM ................... MY BIG BROTHER WOULD TRY TO STICK MY NOSE IN IT.............. SO I LEARNED TO DO PUSH UPS................. AND GOT AN APPRECIATION FOR SMALL CREATURES, BECAUSE I COULD HEAR THOSE LITTLE FLIES THAT LANDED THERE LIKE TOURISTS IN THEIR CUTE SQUEAKY VOICES......................... ONE RUBBED HIS HIND LEGS TOGETHER JUST AS A "BURP" CAME FORTH................. THE OTHERS SAID: "HEY, SHOW SOME CLASS BIFF, WE'RE TRYING TO EAT A SIT DOWN DINNER HERE"........ HE RESPONDED: "HEY DON'T JUMP ON ME, I SAW TODD, EATING HUMAN FOOD"................. "AWWW, GROSSS" THEY ALL SAID AND FLEW OFF, SAYING "TODD, SATURDAY NITE IS SO TOTALLY OFF" .............THEN I REALIZED I'M NOT SO DIFFERENT FROM OTHER ANIMALS................ I STARTED TO BECAME A STUDENT OF NATURE AND STOPPED SHOOTING EVERYTHING INTHE WOODS AND STARTED READING EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A LIBRARY IN THE COUNTRY............ THE WOODS BECAME LIKE A LIVE THEATRE TO ME..................... IT WAS SO INTERESTING IN THE WILDERNESS, THERE WERE TROUT WHICH LIVED IN OUR CREEK, THEIR COUSINS STEELHEAD WHO LIVED IN OUR RIVER AND THEN THEIR COUSINS SALMON, BORN IN THE CREEKS, WENT DOWN THE RIVER TO THE OCEAN, GREW BIG AND CAME BACK TO START THE NEW GENERATION. AND THERE WERE TADPOLES WHICH WERE FISH THEN LITTLE TINY LEGS CAME OUT AND THEIR TAILS GOT SHORTER BEFORE MY EYES THEY EVOLVED TO LAND ANIMALS, COUSINS TO THE TOADS, LIZARDS AND LEMUR.......................I STARTED LEARNING EVOLUTION LIKE WALLACE AND DARWIN BEFORE MY AMAZED EYES ... ...............SO,WHEN I SAID THIS TO MY FAMILY, WOW, THE HUMAN FOOD SURE HIT THE FAN........................YOU SEE THEY ALL BELIEVED IN AN ANCIENT BOOK THAT SAID WE WERE ALL MADE OUT OF MUD....................... SOUNDED LIKE IT WAS WRITTEN BY SOME ANCIENT PEOPLE EVEN BEFORE THE BEAKER PEOPLE WHO KNEW TO MAKE THEIR POTS OUT OF CLAY ....................SO SPEAKING OF SEA CREATURES, WHAT DO HUGE BRITISH SEA MONSTERS EAT FOR FOOD? ........FISH AND SHIPS, OF COURSE, LADDEE....................I'M HAVING A LITTLE JAMES JOYCE STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS MOMENT, HERE......................I THINK THEY OBJECTED TO MY EVOLUTION DISCOVERY BECAUSED IT MADE THEM THINK.............................. WHEN THEY'ED RATHER BE JUST SHOOTING EVERYTHING.....................BUT, DNA TURNED OUT TO BE REALLY EASY, HOW DO YOU TELL THE SEX OF A CHROMOSOME?...YOU PULL DOWN IT'S GENES............................SO IS SCIENCE EASY, WHAT DID ONE LAB RAT SAY TO ANOTHER? I'VE GOT MY SCIENTIST SO WELL TRAINED, EVERY TIME I PUSH THIS BUTTON HE GIVES ME A TREAT................TURNS OUT TV RELIGION WITH THE PROPHETS MOSES, MOHAMMED, JOHN AND SUCH, IS GOOD MONEY, 10 OR 15% OF EVERYONE'S INCOME............WHEREAS, ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET GROUP ............AND GODS DON'T KILL PEOPLE , PEOPLE WITH GODS KILL PEOPLE.....................AND THEY'RE CALLED FANATICS WHEN IT'S NOT YOUR RELIGION......................SO ANYWAY, MY SISTER STILL WALKED IN HER SLEEP AND DIDN'T LIKE SLEEPING BECAUSE SHE DREAMT SHE WAS WORKING, AND SHE REALLY HATED WORKING...................ONCE SHE CLAIMED I DAMAGED HER DOLL, I FIGURED IT WAS MY BROTHER OR ONE OF HIS LOSER FRIENDS REJECTED BY HER GETTING VENCEANCE,THEN I READ ABOUT POLTERGEIST, A GERMAN WORD FOR NOISY DISTRUCTIVE SPIRITS, USUALLY NOTICED BY PUBESENT GIRLS..........IT FIT PERFECTLY, AND FRAUD ALSO SAID HYSTERIA WAS A FEMALE THING, TOO, SO NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK WAS THE CAUSE OF THE DAMAGED DOLL?......SHE STILL BLAMES ME SAYS I HAVE A DEVILISH CHUCKLE, SHE IS NOW AA EVANGELICAL, VOTED FOR TRUMP, NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?. ....MY BROTHER WOULD OPEN THE DOOR AND DIRECT HER TO THE THICK WOODS WHEN SHE SLEEPWALKED, I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK HE WAS INSPIRED BYTHE DEVIL THEN WITH THE FIRE THING, HIS TREATMENT OF ME AND ALL................SO, WHEN AT SUNDAY SCHOOL I HEARD ABOUT CAIN AND ABLE, I GOT MORE WORRIED................I WAS A GOOD BOY AND WOULD TELL MY SLEEP WALKING SISTER TO GO BACK INSIDE AND THEN SHE WOULD ARGUE, TELLING ME I WAS ALL WRONG AS USUAL................... PERHAPS SHE UNCONSIOUSLY WENT OUTSIDE BECAUSE WE HAD BUILT OUR BIG HOME IN STAGES AND AT FIRST WE HAD OUTDOOR PRIVIES....................I HAD A UNCLE WHO BUILT A CABIN IN THE WOODS NEARBY, WELL, ABOUT A MILE AWAY...................... HE WAS A WWII ARMY KARATE EXPERT AND ONCE WHEN HE SALUTED HE GAVE HIMSELF A CONCUSSION................ THAT'S WHAT HE SAID, I'D TAKE THAT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT AND SOME NEW YEARS ASPIRIN..............HE ALSO SAID, WHEN HE WENT TO THE SAME PLACE AS ON HIS HONEYMOON WITH HIS WIFE ON HIS 50TH ANNIVERSERY, HE WAS THE ONE IN THE BATHROOM CRYING...............HE ASKED ME ONCE WHAT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A G SPOT AND A GOLF BALL, HELL, I DIDN'T KNOW, HE SAID A REGULAR GUY WILL SEARCH LONG AND HARD FOR HIS GOLF BALL, THEY'RE EXPENSIVE........................HE SAID I REALLY LOOKED LIKE SOMETHING A DOG HAD BURIED IN THE BACKYARD AND WAS TRYING TO FORGET ................ SO ANYWAY, THEN THEY REALLY WANTED ME TO LEAVE TOWN, MY BROTHER SAID THAT EVOLUTION WAS BULLSHIT, IT'S ONLY INTERSPECIES FISH CHANGE..........BUT I POINTED OUT THESE FISH WERE NOW DIFFERENT SPECIES AND CAN'T MATE, "YEAH BUT THEY STILL LOOK SORTA ALIKE," HE SAID, "AND HAVE ALMOST THE SAME GENES".....I KNEW BY THEN THAT SCIENCE HAS FOUND WE ALL HAVE THE SAME GENES, ALL ANIMALS AND PLANTS FROM ONE SOURCE 3.7 BILLION YEARS AGO..... ........ONCE THE FRONT DOOR KNOCKED ONE DAY AND I OPENED IT AND MY THIRD COUSIN, ONCE REMOVED, A SNAIL, WAS AT THE DOOR................ SO I PICKED HIM UP AND TOSSED HIM OVER A BUSH SO HE WOULDN'T GET STEPPED ON............... ABOUT A YEAR LATER, ANOTHER KNOCK AND THERE HE WAS AGAIN SHOUTING, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?" .................ALSO, MY DAD DIDN'T LIKE SHAREING MOM'S ATTENTION SO HE ALWAYS GAVE ME MY ALLOWANCE IN TRAVERER'S CHECKS......... AND MAN, HE MADE SURE I EARNED IT, AND THEN HE ALWAYS DROPPED ME OFF AT THE BUS DEPOT ...................I GOT SO DEPRESSED I WENT TO THE LIBRARY AND ASKED TO CHECK OUT A BOOK ON SUICIDE, THEY SAID THOSE COULDN'T BE CHECKED OUT BECAUSE THEY WERE NEVER, EVER RETURNED...........................SO,.ON THAT LONELY CHRISTMAS EVE I WENT ALL ALONE TO A CHINESE RESTAURANT IN OUR LITTLE TOWN AND THEY WOULDN'T SERVE ME, SAID IT WAS A FAMILY RESTAURANT...............I WENT TO A 24 HOUR CAFE AND THEY WERE CLOSING UP, I SAID HOW COME, IT SAYS 24 HOURS? HE SAID"NOT IN ONE DAY". ........ .......A VERY,VERY SMALL TOWN.........................SO ONE DAY ME AND MY ONLY FRIEND CARL, WERE PLAYING CHESS AND I SAID, "LET'S MAKE THIS REALLY, REALLY INTERESTING," SO WE TOTALLY QUIT PLAYING CHESS, ALTOGETHER.................... EVENTUALLY, I TOOK THAT BUS AWAY TO THE NAVY TO BECOME HONOR MAN AT MY AVIATION ELECTRONICS SCHOOLS AND WENT TO HAWAII AND MIDWAY ISLANDS TO FLY EARLYWARNING SPY PLANES AGAINST THE RUSSIANS AND CHINESE................I NEVER GOT REAL LOVE AT HOME, IT WAS ALL I COULD DO, EVEN MY YO-YO REJECTED ME AND NEVER CAME BACK UP, AND MY UNCLE'S YO-YO WOULDN'T COME BACK UP EITHER...................MY BROTHER ONCE EVEN PAID SOME DUMB FELLOW CAR FREAK FUTURE MASONS TO PUT ON HOODS AND KIDNAP ME AND THEY SENT MY FATHER PART OF MY LITTLE PINKY, ACTUALLY MY NAIL CLIPPING, HE DEMANDED MORE PROOF, BEING A BIG SMOKER HE PUT MY PICTURE ON A LUCKY'S PACK, BUT ONLY THE ONE IN HIS POCKET........ FINALLY THEY SENT A LETTER HE COULDN'T IGNORE, SAYING IF HE DIDN'T PAY THE $50 THEY HAD DEMANDED, THEY WANTED A QUAD CARB, THAT HE DEFINATELY WOULD,THAT IS, HE WOULD, SEE ME AGAIN, VERY VERY SOON! SO, HE FOLDED...........................THE MASONS PRETTY MUCH RAN OUR LITTLE ONE STOPLIGHT TOWN, THEY COULD TIE IT UP PRETTY BAD UNLESS YOU KNEW ALL THE SIDE STREETS..........SPOKE THEIR SECRET LITTLE LANGUAGE TO CONFUSE YOU ....................I WAS SO BEAT UP BY THIS TIME, THEY TALKED DIVORCE AND AT MY CUSTODY HEARING, NO ONE SHOWED UP................I NEVER EVEN GOT TO GO TO DISNEYLAND, MY EVIL BROTHER LIED AND SAID MICKEY MOUSE DIED....................I WAS SO BEAT UP BY HIM, MOM WOULDN'T KISS ME ANYMORE, SHE SAID SHE THOUGHT OF ME AS JUST A DEAR FRIEND................ DAD FED ME CHILI BEANS WITH A BLOWGUN.........MY SISTER PUT A SIGN ON THE HIGHWAY, "LAST BOY BEFORE THE FREEWAY, FREE"...... TO HANDLE MY BROTHER I HAD LEARNED HOW TO BOX,.................BUT I GOT A SCHOOL FOOTBALL LETTER WHEN HE HADN'T GOTTEN ONE, AND I PUTT THE SHOT ON OUR TRACK TEAM, SO HIS JEALOUSY WAS SO UNBRIDLED, SO THEN HE HAD TO GET A BRIDE.......................................... PLUS HE HAD GRADUATED AND THAT WAS THE RULE IN OUR SMALL TOWN.......... I ALWAYS FEARED HE WAS GOING TO POISON ME, SO PRAYED AFTER MEALS.............ONCE MY BROTHER GAVE ME A BAT FOR MY BIRTHDAY,THEN IT FLEW OFF............... HE SAID HE WAS CHEATED, HE WAS PROMISED IT WAS RABID,.............. I REMEMBER ALL HIS LIFE HE WAS CRAZY ABOUT CARS, CARS THAT'S PROBABILY WHY HE TURNED OUT TO BE SUCH A BIG , BIG CRANK...............I GOT NO LOVE, IF IT WEREN' FOR ME BEING A BOY I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD ANY TOYS TO PLAY WITH AT ALL..........I SAVED UP, GOT MY OWN USED BIKE, AND FINALLY, A GIRLFRIEND, SHE TOOK IT FOR A TEST SPIN AND WE HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE...................... I MISSED DANCING CHEEK TO CHEEK, MY STUBBLE AGAINST HERS.........THERE WAS NO LOVE AT SCHOOL EITHER,.. THE TOUGH SCHOOL I WENT TO.WAS WORSE THAN HOME, A NEW TEACHER ASKED A KID TO PROVE THE THEORY OF GRAVITY SO HE THREW HER OUT THE WINDOW............IN THE NAVY IN HAWAII, LATER I FINALLY GOT AN OLDER FIANCE WHO SAID SHE LOVED ME FOREVER, AND FINALLY PAID OFF MY NEWER RED CAR, SHE TOOK A SPIN AROUND THE BLOCK AND SHE HASN'T BEEN SEEN AGAIN.....................AND HAWAII'S NOT THAT BIG OF AN ISLAND........WELL, SHE WAS KIND OF FAT. BUT I'LL MISS HER..I ONCE PICKED HER UP ON A CORNER, HOW FAT WAS SHE? A COP HAD JUST GIVEN HER A TICKET FOR REFUSING TO BREAK IT UP,.................GOING DOWN TO THE PIER AND HAVING ALL THE FISHERMEN ASKING WHAT KIND OF LURE I USED ON HER..............................,,,,,.ONE INSISTED HE HAD CAUGHT ONE BEFORE AND IT WASN'T BAD EATING.......SHE USED TO BE A TWA STEWARDESS, ASKING "WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TWA TEA? "........................................ THEY SAY SHE'D SEE MORE CEILINGS IN ROME THAN MICHAELANGLO................... THAT REMINDS ME, EVEN THE DINASAURS HAD THE SAME DNA AS US, WONDER WHAT THEY CALLED A PLAYBOY DINASAUR? A LICK- A-LOTTA- PUSS?...............I WAS LEARNING ABOUT WOMEN.......... SO,THE NAVY WASN'T ALL BAD, I BECAME AN ELECTRONICS EXPERT, LIFE GUARD, BOAT SAILOR,S URFER AND SCUBA DIVER.............. SO, "WHAT'S LONG AND HARD AND FULL OF SEAMEN? A SUBMARINE, OF COURSE, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"............WHERE ARE THE HEAD LIGHTS ON A NAVY SUBMARINE? "DUHHH, IN THE HEAD, OF COURSE."...........YEAH, I MISSED HER, ..SHE WASN'T A RAVING BEAUTY, WELL SOMETIMES SHE RAVED IF I WAS LATE FEEDING HER .......AND SHE WOULD SCREAM DURING SEX, ESPECIALLY IF I ACCIDENTLY WALKED IN ON HER...............MY RELIGION WAS NOW THE UNIVERSAL UNITARIAN CHURCH, EVERYONE GETS TO GO TO HEAVEN AND YOUR GOD IS WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN, FOR ME, NATURE, SCIENCE AND MY LOVING WIFE WHENEVER I FOUND HER...[[[[[[[[( SOME AUDIENCES ARE TOUGH, YES SOME OLD CHESTNUTS ARE SIMILIAR HERE, BUT JOKES ARE THAT WAY ABOUND SIMILIAR SMALL THINGS IT'S LIKE HAVING AN OLD OLD SONG WITH A NEW SONG'S SIMILIAR, SUBLIME, ARRANGEMENT, WELL MORE OF A MEDLEY................NOW COULD YOU TURN DOWN THE VOLUME ON YOUR HOT AIR GUITAR PLEASE...........YES, IT'S TOUGH I CAN'T EVEN GET PITY SEX FROM PAID HOOKERS, NOW... .............QUESTION: IF GRASS COULD CRY WOULD YOU STILL MOW IT DOWN?.............NOW,WHAT IF IT CRIED ALL THE BLOODY TIME, EVEN AT NITE?..............AH YES I COULD HAVE WRITTEN A WHOLE ROMANTIC STORY ABOUT HER, BUT SOMEBODY BEAT ME TO IT,"THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES"......................... YOU READ IT?......................AW TOO BUSY SHOOTING THINGS, YOUR LOSS.............I'M OLDER NOW, BUT I STILL REALLY DO FEEL LIKE A TWENTY YEAR OLD, BUT I DON'T SEE ANY TONITE SO I'LL SETTLE FOR A 50 YEAR OLD DIVORCEE................ DOES ANY CUTE LADY WANT TO EXCHANGE A SWEET HUG WITH A FELLOW WHO NEVER GOT ANY LOVE AND IS GOING ON TO BE A BIG STAR IN HOLLYWOOD ........... NO TAKERS,.....I NEVER GET ANY LOVE......YOU' VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE, KEEP SMILING I'M DR FUNK, AND THANKS FOR NOTHING...........OH, YOU DUDES, MY STREET NAME IS DR FUNK LANE OR IF YOU DON'T GET THAT .... DR FUNK STREET OR JUST DR FUNK S T PERIOD, ....OKAAAYYYY? DENNNN WE GOOD.?...........