WHAT A GREAT CROWD, HI, I'M DR. FUNK, YOU KNOW COMEDY'S LIKE AN INSTANT VACATION AND LAUGHING MAKES YOU LOOK AND FEEL YOUNGER............. I WAS DRIVING HERE AND A POLICE OFFICER PULLED ME OVER AND RAPPED ON MY WINDOW,"OPEN UP BOY "... I SAID," IN A MINUTE CAN'T YOU SEE I'M STILL ON THE PHONE?".................... BOY DID HE TURN OUT TO BE RUDE........ WHAT DOGPATCH TURNIP TRUCK DID HE THINK I JUST FELL OFF OF?.............HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED IT TO, I THINK IT WAS ALL STARTED IN TRUMP'S ERA, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE IN THE DEEP SOUTH AND HAVE CALIFORNIA PLATES AND ARE BLACK OR CHICANO, OF COURSE ................SO THAT'S MY LIFE, I NEVER HAD ANY REAL LOVE.....WHEN I WAS BORN I WASN'T WANTED, MY MOTHER HAD HER MORNING SICKNESS RIGHT AFTER SHE SAW ME............MY OLDER BROTHER DIDN'T WANT TO SHARE ATTENTION, SO HE TRIED EVERYTHING TO DO ME IN. WHEN I TRIED MY FIRST STEPS HE TRIPPED ME..........AND MY SISTER WOULD ADD INSULT TO INJURY BY SIGNING BAD THINGS ON MY CAST................... SHE WAS ALSO MAD AT OUR DOG PUDGIE FOR GETTING MOM'S ATTENTION MORE THAN HER, SO SHE WOULD STEAL HER FOOD..............I WAS BORN IN HOLLYWOOD AND WE LIVED ON TOP A BIG HILL, I REMEMBER ONCE MY OLDER BROTHER BUILDING A BONFIRE IN THE BASEMENT AND I SAW TWO BEARDED FACES IN IT SAYING "KILLING IS BAD", THEY SAID THEY WERE MOHAMMED AND JESUS AND MOHAMMED SAID HIS FOLLOWERS GOT IT WRONG, YOU SHALT NOT KILL, HE SAID..............................WHEN I SHOUTED AT MY BROTHER HE SMILED AND MOTIONED ME INTO THE FIRE.................. I WENT UP TO TELL MOM, AND THE FIRE DEPT. CAME PUT IT OUT............THEN HE PLAYED IN A LOCKED CAGE, AND HE AND HIS FRIENDS HAD IT IN FOR ME, ONE STOLE MY FOOD FROM MY PLATE................THEN WE MOVED TO A 1000 ACRE RANCH 8 MILES OUT OF A SMALL TOWN ON HIGHWAY 101 IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA......I GOT LEFT WITH GRANDMA, BUT I SPOTTED A BIG BOX BEING SHIPPED, MARKED GUNS AND HID INSIDE AND JOINED THEM...............AT THE OLD SWIMMING HOLE MY BROTHER AND HIS CHUMPS PANTSED ME, SO I HAD TO STAY IN THE WATER OR BE NUDE IN FRONT OF GIRLS..............TO GET AWAY I LEARNED TO SWIM LIKE A FISH FROM THE BOYSCOUT MANUAL...................IT LEAD ME TO BECOME A NAVY LIFEGUARD AND SWIMMING TEAM CAPTAIN...............BUT I GOT NO LOVE AT HOME............ON CHRISTMAS MY FATHER GAVE ME A TENT, A SLEEPING BAG, A MAP OF THE NEXT COUNTY AND A DEFECTIVE COMPASS............................SO I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO READ THE STARS TO GET HOME.............................I LEARNED FOOTWORK AT THE SCHOOL DANCE CLUB, BECAME IT'S PRESIDENT, TO HANDLE MY BROTHER'S TRIPPING ............BACK WHEN I WAS LITTLE, THE TOYS HE GAVE ME FOR MY BATH WERE ALL PLUGGED IN APPLIANCES.................SO I LEARNED ELECTRONICS.AND I LATER BECAME HONOR MAN IN MY NAVY ELECTRONICS SCHOOL .............THE DOG WAS JEALOUS OF ME TOO, GROWLED AND WOULDN'T LET ME IN WHEN I CAME HOME ...........HER FAVORITE BONE WAS MY ANKLE..........SHE .WOULD KEEP BARKING AT THE FRONT DOOR, AND LEAD ME THERE ,THERE WAS NO ONE, SHE JUST WANTED ME TO MAKE LIKE A TREE AND..... LEAVE.........................I CALLED HER DAIRY QUEEN, BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS LEFT A CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM ONLY IN MY ROOM ................... MY BIG BROTHER WOULD TRY TO STICK MY NOSE IN IT.............. SO I LEARNED TO DO PUSH UPS................. AND GOT AN APPRECIATION FOR SMALL CREATURES, BECAUSE I COULD HEAR THOSE LITTLE FLIES THAT LANDED THERE LIKE TOURISTS IN THEIR CUTE SQUEAKY VOICES......................... ONE RUBBED HIS HIND LEGS TOGETHER JUST AS A "BURP" CAME FORTH................. THE OTHERS SAID: "HEY, SHOW SOME CLASS BIFF, WE'RE TRYING TO EAT A SIT DOWN DINNER HERE"........ HE RESPONDED: "HEY DON'T JUMP ON ME, I SAW TODD, EATING HUMAN FOOD"................. "AWWW, GROSSS" THEY ALL SAID AND FLEW OFF, SAYING "TODD, SATURDAY NITE IS SO TOTALLY OFF" .............THEN I REALIZED I'M NOT SO DIFFERENT FROM OTHER ANIMALS................ I STARTED TO BECAME A STUDENT OF NATURE AND STOPPED SHOOTING EVERYTHING INTHE WOODS AND STARTED READING EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A LIBRARY IN THE COUNTRY............ THE WOODS BECAME LIKE A LIVE THEATRE TO ME..................... IT WAS SO INTERESTING IN THE WILDERNESS, THERE WERE TROUT WHICH LIVED IN OUR CREEK, THEIR COUSINS STEELHEAD WHO LIVED IN OUR RIVER AND THEN THEIR COUSINS SALMON, BORN IN THE CREEKS, WENT DOWN THE RIVER TO THE OCEAN, GREW BIG AND CAME BACK TO START THE NEW GENERATION. AND THERE WERE TADPOLES WHICH WERE FISH THEN LITTLE TINY LEGS CAME OUT AND THEIR TAILS GOT SHORTER BEFORE MY EYES THEY EVOLVED TO LAND ANIMALS, COUSINS TO THE TOADS, LIZARDS AND LEMUR.......................I STARTED LEARNING EVOLUTION LIKE WALLACE AND DARWIN BEFORE MY AMAZED EYES ... ...............SO,WHEN I SAID THIS TO MY FAMILY, WOW, THE HUMAN FOOD SURE HIT THE FAN........................YOU SEE THEY ALL BELIEVED IN AN ANCIENT BOOK THAT SAID WE WERE ALL MADE OUT OF MUD....................... SOUNDED LIKE IT WAS WRITTEN BY SOME ANCIENT PEOPLE EVEN BEFORE THE BEAKER PEOPLE WHO KNEW TO MAKE THEIR POTS OUT OF CLAY ....................SO SPEAKING OF SEA CREATURES, WHAT DO HUGE BRITISH SEA MONSTERS EAT FOR FOOD? ........FISH AND SHIPS, OF COURSE, LADDEE....................I'M HAVING A LITTLE JAMES JOYCE STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS MOMENT, HERE......................I THINK THEY OBJECTED TO MY EVOLUTION DISCOVERY BECAUSED IT MADE THEM THINK.............................. WHEN THEY'ED RATHER BE JUST SHOOTING EVERYTHING.....................BUT, DNA TURNED OUT TO BE REALLY EASY, HOW DO YOU TELL THE SEX OF A CHROMOSOME?...YOU PULL DOWN IT'S GENES............................SO IS SCIENCE EASY, WHAT DID ONE LAB RAT SAY TO ANOTHER? I'VE GOT MY SCIENTIST SO WELL TRAINED, EVERY TIME I PUSH THIS BUTTON HE GIVES ME A TREAT................TURNS OUT TV RELIGION WITH THE PROPHETS MOSES, MOHAMMED, JOHN AND SUCH, IS GOOD MONEY, 10 OR 15% OF EVERYONE'S INCOME............WHEREAS, ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET GROUP ............AND GODS DON'T KILL PEOPLE , PEOPLE WITH GODS KILL PEOPLE.....................AND THEY'RE CALLED FANATICS WHEN IT'S NOT YOUR RELIGION......................SO ANYWAY, MY SISTER STILL WALKED IN HER SLEEP AND DIDN'T LIKE SLEEPING BECAUSE SHE DREAMT SHE WAS WORKING, AND SHE REALLY HATED WORKING...................ONCE SHE CLAIMED I DAMAGED HER DOLL, I FIGURED IT WAS MY BROTHER OR ONE OF HIS LOSER FRIENDS REJECTED BY HER GETTING VENCEANCE,THEN I READ ABOUT POLTERGEIST, A GERMAN WORD FOR NOISY DISTRUCTIVE SPIRITS, USUALLY NOTICED BY PUBESENT GIRLS..........IT FIT PERFECTLY, AND FRAUD ALSO SAID HYSTERIA WAS A FEMALE THING, TOO, SO NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK WAS THE CAUSE OF THE DAMAGED DOLL?......SHE STILL BLAMES ME SAYS I HAVE A DEVILISH CHUCKLE, SHE IS NOW AA EVANGELICAL, VOTED FOR TRUMP, NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?. ....MY BROTHER WOULD OPEN THE DOOR AND DIRECT HER TO THE THICK WOODS WHEN SHE SLEEPWALKED, I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK HE WAS INSPIRED BYTHE DEVIL THEN WITH THE FIRE THING, HIS TREATMENT OF ME AND ALL................SO, WHEN AT SUNDAY SCHOOL I HEARD ABOUT CAIN AND ABLE, I GOT MORE WORRIED................I WAS A GOOD BOY AND WOULD TELL MY SLEEP WALKING SISTER TO GO BACK INSIDE AND THEN SHE WOULD ARGUE, TELLING ME I WAS ALL WRONG AS USUAL................... PERHAPS SHE UNCONSIOUSLY WENT OUTSIDE BECAUSE WE HAD BUILT OUR BIG HOME IN STAGES AND AT FIRST WE HAD OUTDOOR PRIVIES....................I HAD A UNCLE WHO BUILT A CABIN IN THE WOODS NEARBY, WELL, ABOUT A MILE AWAY...................... HE WAS A WWII ARMY KARATE EXPERT AND ONCE WHEN HE SALUTED HE GAVE HIMSELF A CONCUSSION................ THAT'S WHAT HE SAID, I'D TAKE THAT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT AND SOME NEW YEARS ASPIRIN..............HE ALSO SAID, WHEN HE WENT TO THE SAME PLACE AS ON HIS HONEYMOON WITH HIS WIFE ON HIS 50TH ANNIVERSERY, HE WAS THE ONE IN THE BATHROOM CRYING...............HE ASKED ME ONCE WHAT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A G SPOT AND A GOLF BALL, HELL, I DIDN'T KNOW, HE SAID A REGULAR GUY WILL SEARCH LONG AND HARD FOR HIS GOLF BALL, THEY'RE EXPENSIVE........................HE SAID I REALLY LOOKED LIKE SOMETHING A DOG HAD BURIED IN THE BACKYARD AND WAS TRYING TO FORGET ................ SO ANYWAY, THEN THEY REALLY WANTED ME TO LEAVE TOWN, MY BROTHER SAID THAT EVOLUTION WAS BULLSHIT, IT'S ONLY INTERSPECIES FISH CHANGE..........BUT I POINTED OUT THESE FISH WERE NOW DIFFERENT SPECIES AND CAN'T MATE, "YEAH BUT THEY STILL LOOK SORTA ALIKE," HE SAID, "AND HAVE ALMOST THE SAME GENES".....I KNEW BY THEN THAT SCIENCE HAS FOUND WE ALL HAVE THE SAME GENES, ALL ANIMALS AND PLANTS FROM ONE SOURCE 3.7 BILLION YEARS AGO..... ........ONCE THE FRONT DOOR KNOCKED ONE DAY AND I OPENED IT AND MY THIRD COUSIN, ONCE REMOVED, A SNAIL, WAS AT THE DOOR................ SO I PICKED HIM UP AND TOSSED HIM OVER A BUSH SO HE WOULDN'T GET STEPPED ON............... ABOUT A YEAR LATER, ANOTHER KNOCK AND THERE HE WAS AGAIN SHOUTING, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?" .................ALSO, MY DAD DIDN'T LIKE SHAREING MOM'S ATTENTION SO HE ALWAYS GAVE ME MY ALLOWANCE IN TRAVERER'S CHECKS......... AND MAN, HE MADE SURE I EARNED IT, AND THEN HE ALWAYS DROPPED ME OFF AT THE BUS DEPOT ...................I GOT SO DEPRESSED I WENT TO THE LIBRARY AND ASKED TO CHECK OUT A BOOK ON SUICIDE, THEY SAID THOSE COULDN'T BE CHECKED OUT BECAUSE THEY WERE NEVER, EVER RETURNED...........................SO,.ON THAT LONELY CHRISTMAS EVE I WENT ALL ALONE TO A CHINESE RESTAURANT IN OUR LITTLE TOWN AND THEY WOULDN'T SERVE ME, SAID IT WAS A FAMILY RESTAURANT...............I WENT TO A 24 HOUR CAFE AND THEY WERE CLOSING UP, I SAID HOW COME, IT SAYS 24 HOURS? HE SAID"NOT IN ONE DAY". ........ .......A VERY,VERY SMALL TOWN.........................SO ONE DAY ME AND MY ONLY FRIEND CARL, WERE PLAYING CHESS AND I SAID, "LET'S MAKE THIS REALLY, REALLY INTERESTING," SO WE TOTALLY QUIT PLAYING CHESS, ALTOGETHER.................... EVENTUALLY, I TOOK THAT BUS AWAY TO THE NAVY TO BECOME HONOR MAN AT MY AVIATION ELECTRONICS SCHOOLS AND WENT TO HAWAII AND MIDWAY ISLANDS TO FLY EARLYWARNING SPY PLANES AGAINST THE RUSSIANS AND CHINESE................I NEVER GOT REAL LOVE AT HOME, IT WAS ALL I COULD DO, EVEN MY YO-YO REJECTED ME AND NEVER CAME BACK UP, AND MY UNCLE'S YO-YO WOULDN'T COME BACK UP EITHER...................MY BROTHER ONCE EVEN PAID SOME DUMB FELLOW CAR FREAK FUTURE MASONS TO PUT ON HOODS AND KIDNAP ME AND THEY SENT MY FATHER PART OF MY LITTLE PINKY, ACTUALLY MY NAIL CLIPPING, HE DEMANDED MORE PROOF, BEING A BIG SMOKER HE PUT MY PICTURE ON A LUCKY'S PACK, BUT ONLY THE ONE IN HIS POCKET........ FINALLY THEY SENT A LETTER HE COULDN'T IGNORE, SAYING IF HE DIDN'T PAY THE $50 THEY HAD DEMANDED, THEY WANTED A QUAD CARB, THAT HE DEFINATELY WOULD,THAT IS, HE WOULD, SEE ME AGAIN, VERY VERY SOON! SO, HE FOLDED...........................THE MASONS PRETTY MUCH RAN OUR LITTLE ONE STOPLIGHT TOWN, THEY COULD TIE IT UP PRETTY BAD UNLESS YOU KNEW ALL THE SIDE STREETS..........SPOKE THEIR SECRET LITTLE LANGUAGE TO CONFUSE YOU ....................I WAS SO BEAT UP BY THIS TIME, THEY TALKED DIVORCE AND AT MY CUSTODY HEARING, NO ONE SHOWED UP................I NEVER EVEN GOT TO GO TO DISNEYLAND, MY EVIL BROTHER LIED AND SAID MICKEY MOUSE DIED....................I WAS SO BEAT UP BY HIM, MOM WOULDN'T KISS ME ANYMORE, SHE SAID SHE THOUGHT OF ME AS JUST A DEAR FRIEND................ DAD FED ME CHILI BEANS WITH A BLOWGUN.........MY SISTER PUT A SIGN ON THE HIGHWAY, "LAST BOY BEFORE THE FREEWAY, FREE"...... TO HANDLE MY BROTHER I HAD LEARNED HOW TO BOX,.................BUT I GOT A SCHOOL FOOTBALL LETTER WHEN HE HADN'T GOTTEN ONE, AND I PUTT THE SHOT ON OUR TRACK TEAM, SO HIS JEALOUSY WAS SO UNBRIDLED, SO THEN HE HAD TO GET A BRIDE.......................................... PLUS HE HAD GRADUATED AND THAT WAS THE RULE IN OUR SMALL TOWN.......... I ALWAYS FEARED HE WAS GOING TO POISON ME, SO PRAYED AFTER MEALS.............ONCE MY BROTHER GAVE ME A BAT FOR MY BIRTHDAY,THEN IT FLEW OFF............... HE SAID HE WAS CHEATED, HE WAS PROMISED IT WAS RABID,.............. I REMEMBER ALL HIS LIFE HE WAS CRAZY ABOUT CARS, CARS THAT'S PROBABILY WHY HE TURNED OUT TO BE SUCH A BIG , BIG CRANK...............I GOT NO LOVE, IF IT WEREN' FOR ME BEING A BOY I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD ANY TOYS TO PLAY WITH AT ALL..........I SAVED UP, GOT MY OWN USED BIKE, AND FINALLY, A GIRLFRIEND, SHE TOOK IT FOR A TEST SPIN AND WE HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE...................... I MISSED DANCING CHEEK TO CHEEK, MY STUBBLE AGAINST HERS.........THERE WAS NO LOVE AT SCHOOL EITHER,.. THE TOUGH SCHOOL I WENT TO.WAS WORSE THAN HOME, A NEW TEACHER ASKED A KID TO PROVE THE THEORY OF GRAVITY SO HE THREW HER OUT THE WINDOW............IN THE NAVY IN HAWAII, LATER I FINALLY GOT AN OLDER FIANCE WHO SAID SHE LOVED ME FOREVER, AND FINALLY PAID OFF MY NEWER RED CAR, SHE TOOK A SPIN AROUND THE BLOCK AND SHE HASN'T BEEN SEEN AGAIN.....................AND HAWAII'S NOT THAT BIG OF AN ISLAND........WELL, SHE WAS KIND OF FAT. BUT I'LL MISS HER..I ONCE PICKED HER UP ON A CORNER, HOW FAT WAS SHE? A COP HAD JUST GIVEN HER A TICKET FOR REFUSING TO BREAK IT UP,.................GOING DOWN TO THE PIER AND HAVING ALL THE FISHERMEN ASKING WHAT KIND OF LURE I USED ON HER..............................,,,,,.ONE INSISTED HE HAD CAUGHT ONE BEFORE AND IT WASN'T BAD EATING.......SHE USED TO BE A TWA STEWARDESS, ASKING "WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TWA TEA? "........................................ THEY SAY SHE'D SEE MORE CEILINGS IN ROME THAN MICHAELANGLO................... THAT REMINDS ME, EVEN THE DINASAURS HAD THE SAME DNA AS US, WONDER WHAT THEY CALLED A PLAYBOY DINASAUR? A LICK- A-LOTTA- PUSS?...............I WAS LEARNING ABOUT WOMEN.......... SO,THE NAVY WASN'T ALL BAD, I BECAME AN ELECTRONICS EXPERT, LIFE GUARD, BOAT SAILOR,S URFER AND SCUBA DIVER.............. SO, "WHAT'S LONG AND HARD AND FULL OF SEAMEN? A SUBMARINE, OF COURSE, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"............WHERE ARE THE HEAD LIGHTS ON A NAVY SUBMARINE? "DUHHH, IN THE HEAD, OF COURSE."...........YEAH, I MISSED HER, ..SHE WASN'T A RAVING BEAUTY, WELL SOMETIMES SHE RAVED IF I WAS LATE FEEDING HER .......AND SHE WOULD SCREAM DURING SEX, ESPECIALLY IF I ACCIDENTLY WALKED IN ON HER...............MY RELIGION WAS NOW THE UNIVERSAL UNITARIAN CHURCH, EVERYONE GETS TO GO TO HEAVEN AND YOUR GOD IS WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN, FOR ME, NATURE, SCIENCE AND MY LOVING WIFE WHENEVER I FOUND HER...[[[[[[[[( SOME AUDIENCES ARE TOUGH, YES SOME OLD CHESTNUTS ARE SIMILIAR HERE, BUT JOKES ARE THAT WAY ABOUND SIMILIAR SMALL THINGS IT'S LIKE HAVING AN OLD OLD SONG WITH A NEW SONG'S SIMILIAR, SUBLIME, ARRANGEMENT, WELL MORE OF A MEDLEY................NOW COULD YOU TURN DOWN THE VOLUME ON YOUR HOT AIR GUITAR PLEASE...........YES, IT'S TOUGH I CAN'T EVEN GET PITY SEX FROM PAID HOOKERS, NOW... .............QUESTION: IF GRASS COULD CRY WOULD YOU STILL MOW IT DOWN?.............NOW,WHAT IF IT CRIED ALL THE BLOODY TIME, EVEN AT NITE?..............AH YES I COULD HAVE WRITTEN A WHOLE ROMANTIC STORY ABOUT HER, BUT SOMEBODY BEAT ME TO IT,"THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES"......................... YOU READ IT?......................AW TOO BUSY SHOOTING THINGS, YOUR LOSS.............I'M OLDER NOW, BUT I STILL REALLY DO FEEL LIKE A TWENTY YEAR OLD, BUT I DON'T SEE ANY TONITE SO I'LL SETTLE FOR A 50 YEAR OLD DIVORCEE................ DOES ANY CUTE LADY WANT TO EXCHANGE A SWEET HUG WITH A FELLOW WHO NEVER GOT ANY LOVE AND IS GOING ON TO BE A BIG STAR IN HOLLYWOOD ........... NO TAKERS,.....I NEVER GET ANY LOVE......YOU' VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE, KEEP SMILING I'M DR FUNK, AND THANKS FOR NOTHING...........OH, YOU DUDES, MY STREET NAME IS DR FUNK LANE OR IF YOU DON'T GET THAT .... DR FUNK STREET OR JUST DR FUNK S T PERIOD, ....OKAAAYYYY? DENNNN WE GOOD.?...........